El Crucero

The idea for this post began with a simple phrase; "half-hazardly speaking Spanish." Guess who said it. If you said the girl, then you guessed correctly. Good for you. You get a cookie. There are probably plenty left on the cruise ship. I decided when I heard this that I needed to keep track of the important events of our honeymoon cruise. So I did. And here is the remarkably long stream of consciousness that began on a tired Saturday evening...

It all began at 0315 (you might want to go get a beverage and some comfortable clothes). We woke up. It was early. We went over to Amanda's since she so kindly agreed to wake up at that ungodly hour and take our sorry butts to the airport. And she did. We made it to the airport, to the terminal, to the plane, to Miami, and on the ship with relatively little in the way of events, except for the entire bag of Reece's Pieces and M&Ms that we ate throughout the day. This, as we were to discover, was just the beginning of a long string of days that began with us eating way to much unhealthy food, continued with eating more unhealthy food, and ending with an unhealthy dinner followed by postre (dessert). Now, you may be asking yourselves (or me), "why is there Spanish intermingled in this post?" Consider this an intriguing question that will fuel your desire to read on.

We made it onto the ship. We could eventually check into our stateroom, which was very nice and had a balcony that we spent a deal of time on. We discovered that day that the ship was amazing. It had a rock climbing wall, a wonderfully funky thing called a Flowrider, an ice skating rink (yeah, ice), a basketball court, miniature golf, many bars and restaurants, a Ben and Jerry's, a pizza place, a coffee place, more pools than you could shake a bikini at, a Johnny Rockets, an Italian Restaurant, a Steak House, a casino, and a bunch more that we probably didn't even get to see. Some of these will play prominent parts of our wonderful honeymoon. But, onto the fun. On that fateful check-in day, I did get to climb on the rock wall. They actually had some good climbs, too. The staff working on that deck (deck 13, the sports deck) were all unbelievably nice, friendly people. An inordinate number of them were from South Africa, too. In fact, a statistically significant portion of the people I ran into that worked on the ship were from South Africa. Couldn't say why, though.

Onward to dinner. This requires its own separate explanation, as it is a motivating factor for one of the major motifs of our honeymoon. Upon boarding the ship, it is immediately clear that a very large (metric) number of people speak Spanish as a first (and sometimes only) language. Prior to dinner, I stated in a humorous manner, "What do you want to bet we get put at a table with people who speak only Spanish?" Sure enough, our dinner mates were Cristina (the mom), and Anna (the daughter). I was apparently half correct, since Cristina spoke primarily Spanish with a sprinkling of English. Anna spoke both Spanish and English. It became apparent in the ensuing days that I was fortunate to have had Senor Black for Spanish in high school. You heard right, high school. As in more than 10 years ago high school. As in, "has had one summer of Spanish practice since high school" high school. Knowing that dinner would have been horrible if none of us spoke to one another, I broke the ice. The ice gave way to nightly language lessons, as well as discussions of translating between Spanish and English, the subtleties of Mexico Spanish versus Spain Spanish, and why learning English as a second language is enough to make one want to kill Webster and all of his dastardly cohorts who provided any input to the English language. We also discussed the final couple that should have occupied the empty spaces at our table. It got to the point that we thought the might be Chinese and jet-lagged. It was a fun dinner. I had had a glass of wine, too. From this point on, the missing couple was known as "Los Chinos," even though we discovered on the first formal night that they were from Delaware and New Jersey, and neither had a speck of Asian blood.

On another interesting note, Anna is a communications major with a specialty in TV. When the girl learned this, she jokingly said, "So you're going to go work for Telemundo when you graduate?" Anna replied that she wants to work for MTV. We proceeded to make fun of her lightly for this for the rest of the trip.

Later, when our eyelids were collapsing in upon themselves due to having awoken (despertado) at 0315, Jessie busts out the wonderful "half-hazardly speaking Spanish." This may have been the second night, though. Remember, every night is a late night on a cruise ship.

The following day, day 2, was a day at sea. Day 2 becomes labeled "the day Greg discovered the Flowrider." It's one of the days I realize that I'm a lucky guy for having married a woman who likes it when her man shows off for her, or does something that looks frightfully painful and makes her laugh. Both of these end up being true statements. The Flowrider session of choice was stand-up surfing on something about the size of a skateboard deck. This masterfully elegant pressurized water cannon provides for loads of interesting tricks as well as melodramatic losses of balance resulting in the unified cringing of the audience and cries of "ooh" in stereo from these same onlookers.

Day 2 held many other things in store as well. It was the day we found the ice skating rink (deck 3). It was also the first formal dinner evening. I like it when the girl gets to dress up. She always looks so pretty. It was also the day that I became known as "the guy who says peachy" to our stateroom attendant. Every day from then on, he set me up with, "Everything is?" to which I was required to answer "peachy" before we could continue on with our day. Also, day 2, I discovered that we had the good fortune of being on the ship during Euro 2008 (soccer), and that it was almost always on when we wanted to return to our stateroom for some R&R.

On day 3, we looked around the ship some more. I am certain in all of this looking that we never found all pieces of the ship. At one point, though, we wandered into a part of the ship that we most certainly shouldn't have been. You can tell immediately when you're in the wrong place when you see no decorations anywhere. The floors and walls are plain, undecorated, neutrally-colored surfaces with no features whatsoever. Then you get quizzical looks from the staff who is supposed to be there. Then said staff member realizes that nobody else is going to police the guests out of the area. The fortunate step was in passing through a door that had no "Crew Only" markings. In most cases, the doors are labeled that way if guests can't enter. This particular door was not.

Later on day 3, we arrived in San Juan. We saw Fort San Cristobel and the Bacardi factory. The fort was very nice, and very picturesque, and it's always fun to see random iguanas meandering about. We don't get a lot of that in Maryland. Meaning absolutely zero. At Bacardi, we got free drinks. Jessie got two, as did I. Which means literally that Jessie got one and I got three. The rest of the tour of Bacardi was surprisingly mellow. A fun fact about the tour was that we started in a pavilion, at which point we were shuttled to a tram car. The tram car never left site of the pavilion in its various wanderings to other buildings during the tour. What's the point, you ask? Well, so did we. The answer, I am afraid, is not forthcoming. The tour was fun, though. Bacardi probably has the best corporate logo in the world.

Day 4; SCUBA day. We spent day 4 (from about breakfast to 1700) in Philipsburg, St. Maarten. We got to go SCUBA diving, and had a wonderul French guide named Ann Charlotte. She was nice. I also discovered that sea urchins can hurt, and they don't need much force to do so. The girl discovered that sunken boats can also hurt, and leave fun little red scratches on legs that hit them. She says the boat attacked her. I never saw it move. :-)

Following SCUBA, we walked around Philipsburg. Five people offered to braid my hair, which would have been an interesting feat had I let them try it due to the tangled mess that resulted from SCUBA. I also got one offer for drugs. It must be the hair. I look like a hippie. What's an 8-ball, anyway? In any case, I obviously didn't accept.

Enter day 5, a day at sea. I spent the morning on Flowrider. Awesome device. I want one in my back yard. I also entered a bouldering competition, and took the gold. I had only my self as a competitor, though, as nobody else entered. Que lastima! Day 5 was also the second formal night. The girl and I got dressed up again. More formal pictures on the ship. Fantastico! Day 5, I believe, was also the day we learned from Tramaine, our head mesera (server), about great white shark attacks off the coast of South Africa. She says they grow to 15 meters. We never convinced her to come with us the next day to Labadee. She doesn't like the water. Can you guess why?

Day 6, Labadee, Haiti. This gem of a location is owned by Royal Caribbean. It's fenced off from the rest of Haiti. It looks like a little beach resort. It's picturesque. The girl and I got to go on a zipline, which was the longest over-water zipline in the world. I got a video of that ride. Of course, I also had to be curious about the stopping mechanism used by the zipline.

See, the rider is harnessed to a contraption that contains two pulleys in it. The wheels of the pulleys ride a thick steel cable. When the rider reaches the end, the contraption hits a heavy block to bleed off speed. If it can't stop the rider in a short enough distance, death is immediate. That's why nobody ever complains about a bad ride! :-) Just kidding. The block then hits a very long spring, which compresses and stops the block, the contraption, and the rider.

Later on day 6, we went snorkeling. It was pretty, but very crowded in the area. We got lots of underwater pictures, I hope. We shall see. There may be a lot of pictures of water damaged 35 mm film. The line to get off the island was also ridiculous. It took quite a while. I'd rather not think about that part. Oh, we also saw Tortuga, of Pirates of the Caribbean fame.

Back aboard, I was (of course) back on Flowrider. Day 6 (or maybe it was 5) becomes the day I'm known to little kids as, "the guy who's good at surfing." Told to me on the elevator.

Day 7 began, as they all did, on the Flowrider Day 7 also contained the speed climbing competition. It was enjoyable, but also reinforced my belief that I am not a speed climber. We returned way too late to our staterooms, packed, and got ready to get off the ship the next day.

And now for something completely different...

This cruise requires some analysis. We had more fun on it than on our first cruise, but we couldn't tell why. So, the girl and I thought about it a while. First off, the ship itself. Fantastic! Amazingly large. The sports deck (deck 13) was a remarkable thing for people of my kind. I surfed. I climbed. We played mini golf. It was great. Also, deck 5 contained the shops, Ben and Jerry's, the pizza place, the coffee place, and the wine bar. It looked like a neat little street contained within a ship. Deck 3 contained the ice skating rink. Also fun for us.

Second, the food. The food was not the highest quality. Carnival had better food. Also, the food for the buffets was the same ever day, and they had "staple" dishes at dinner every day. So, there was a chicken, beef, and fish option at dinner every day, and they never changed. Each day they had specialty dishes, though. I was not, however, chomping at the bit to kidnap and torture staff members or chefs for the recipes.

Third, the open decks. The pool area could be crowded, but there were many places to sit and relax, and the options for these places varied greatly. There was every combination of shady, not shady, loud, and not loud you could imagine. So, you can always find a place to be that's right for you if you look hard enough.

Fourth, the shows. These varied greatly. The guest entertainers were very good. It makes sense, though, doesn't it? That's what they do for a living. The Royal Caribbean-produced shows were VERY mixed. The ice show was great. The musical production really blew. I mean, can lyrics really get anymore dull? The cruise review show was very good. The acrobat show was pretty good, and ended up being like a toned down version of Cirque du Soleil.

Fifth, the money. It doesn't really make sense, sometimes, thinking about what you have to pay for on a ship. It makes sense that you'd have to pay for alcohol and soda. It makes sense that all of the shows are free. It was nice that all of the sports deck was free. It's nice that the gym was free. It does not make sense that a couples' massage costs over $250. It does not make sense that you have to pay $3.95 to enter Johnny Rockets, but can then eat all the food you want, but then have to pay for milkshakes. The money thing was hit or miss, and could stand to be a little more consistent.

Tipping at the end was also a little less painful on Carnival than Royal Caribbean. Ouch...

Oh, and the staff. The Royal Caribbean staff was superior to the Carnival staff. I got to know many of them, and they were all very nice.

Overall, given the exact same ship, the Carnival cruise would probably be better. This Royal Caribbean cruise had more interesting activities for us, though. Perhaps we'll have to look at Carnival again sometime when they build a ship with a sports deck to compete with Royal Caribbean. Perhaps they already have one now, but we just don't know it.

Anyway, I hope you're still awake, or that you've had your several glasses of wine and are nice and relaxed by now. Hasta luego!
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