Ideas for the Olympics

So I definitely had an idea for the Olympics.  I was sitting with some people, talking about downhill skiing, and one person mentioned that the announcer for downhill skiing was like a broken record, effectively stating the same thing for each skier.  So, I tried to think of ways that could make viewing it more entertaining.

My answer is to have the Olympics on several different channels simultaneously, showing the same thing.  Each channel, however, should have a different announcing theme or other graphic.  One channel could be the straight-up Olympics.  That should be left alone as always.

The rest of the channels are where things get interesting.  One channel should be announced by the over-dubbers who do MXC in the style of MXC.  Or, the MST3K guys?  Either/or?

One should have each of the skiers emitting the TRON-style light cycle trails.

One should have the skiers being chased by CGI monsters?  Crash?  Mauled by a monster.

Another should have cut scenes for people firing weapons.  Classic example would be a cut scene to James Earl Jones firing the snake from Conan the Barbarian, followed by a skier falling.

So that's the idea.  Overlays to make it more interesting for the people who want it to be. :-)

Imminent Parenthood

Parenthood is on the mind. As of yesterday, the Girl and I are at 33 weeks. Parenthood is definitely imminent. We also learned yesterday that the likelihood of the baby making it to full gestational... tude (?) is less than likely. As of yesterday, she was dilated 1-2 cm. So, in <= 7 weeks, we'll be parents again, only this time we should actually get to bring the little one home with us. At this rate, if it's a boy, the child may not have a name, either. Having trouble with boys' names. So, if you have a suggestion, go ahead and email it to me. Why not? Maybe if we choose your suggested name, we'll sweeten the choice with a little something. There's an idea. Today, we attended a class at the best hospital ever (tm). The class was OK. It was informative, but not terribly engaging. To be fair, though, I was exhausted, and we've been through this before. I'd be curious to ask the point of view of one of the other couples in the class. Despite the dry nature of the class, I still feel more prepared for the day it happens.

What I don't feel prepared for are the several weeks following that day. Having never gotten this far before, I am really not sure how to care for a baby. I'm excited and terrified simultaneously. All I want is to be able to bring this little one home. After that, I am afraid of screwing up parenthood, as I'm sure many people are. Will we make the correct choices? Will we provide the child with a good life? Will we prevent harm from the child, while sufficiently allowing the child to experience and enjoy everything life has to offer? Will the child choke on a matchbox car? Will the child every grow up to appreciate the original transformers? Am I talking as if the child is a boy, when it could be a girl?

The only reason I'm doing that is because I think that's what I see in the sonograms; not because I want a boy over a girl. At this point, all I really want is a healthy child.

Of all things, I'm particularly interested in putting a child seat in the new car. I don't even really know why.

Ha! Is it good fortune or bad that suddenly I'm listening to Odd One by Sick Puppies.

Sometimes It's Fun to Bleed from the Ears

It's official. I'm married to the most wonderful woman ever. I am sorry for all of the unfortunate people who are are not.

I've known for awhile now that my wife was planning a trip as my birthday present. We have this little game we play in which we give obscure hints that could never lead to the other actually determining what we're doing, but serves to add to the intrigue. It's kind of like an appetizer for a meal, only it tends to go on for a month or more. So, she gave me some hints for this particular endeavor:

1. It's about 3.5 hours from our house, to the north
2. It involves things (plural) I like to do
3. It's somewhere we've never been before
4. There will be boobs involved
5. Bring a shirt I don't mind getting dirty
6. There will be beer
   

I really had no idea what to expect...


Friday was the first day. Up until then, I really didn't know what to expect. I mostly suspected it was in Pennsylvania, but the only thing I knew that was 3.5 hours from us was Penn State, which is somewhere we had been before. She packed the car (I wasn't allowed to see what was in the trunk). She plugged our destination into the GPS. We split the driving. All the while, I tried to figure out what we were doing. Needless to say, I failed miserably.

We arrived in the Poconos, which I wasn't expecting at all. After all, what is there to do in the Poconos in the summer? Mountains are made for skiing and snowboarding! And wildlife. And camping. My wrist is currently injured, so I knew this wasn't a climbing expedition. Yeah, how bad would that have made her feel if she had planned a big climbing trip and I'd injured my wrist? Fortunately, the gods would not be reveling in that cruel joke this trip.

In addition, the place we went was where our college roommate, Forrest, lived for awhile. I recognized it, having visited him a few times, and so I asked how far we were from where he lived. Jessie looked it up (hah!) and then said we should call him this weekend. If you're reading this, you probably already know why that's funny.

We turned into a quaint little cabin in the Poconos. The place was awesome! It was also big, which was somewhat suspicious, but she had enough excuses that I wasn't overly inquisitive. We sat for awhile, just enjoying the calm, and then she got a phone call. She started giving directions to somebody. "What did you do?" A few minutes later, Forrest showed up.

I knew something of a grander scale was in order, though I still had no idea just how diabolical the Girl could be. After purchasing some groceries and hanging out for a little while, she suddenly announced that we had to be at our next destination. I knew nothing except that we were going out to dinner, so this took me completely by surprise. We piled into the car, drove around, and ended up on a residential road full of trees on one side and houses on the other. We were looking for an address on this road, which made no sense to me because there were no businesses to be seen. We ended up turning into a gravel driveway, the end of which contained a house.

I began to wonder what was going on. Did she arrange for me to get a tattoo or something at a parlor run from a house? I don't know. I knew that any of my guesses would be wrong when she opened the door and walked in. Forrest and I followed. "What did you do? What is this?" I asked.

"This is the other house I rented!" Yeah, that happened.

About a half hour later, Arjun, Brad, Nicole, and Noelle arrived. About 10 minutes after that, Laura and Jonah showed up. The fog slowly lifted just a little more. I learned that this was the total guest list for Friday night, but that more would be showing up Saturday, and that some who had planned to show up were suddenly unable to on Friday.

We went to dinner at a local microbrewery called Barley Creek Brewery. I discovered that she learned of its existence only because of its proximity to one of the houses on Google Maps. Thank you Google. We proceeded to drink and eat, but we learned immediately that, due to the Poconos mainly being for snow sports, they had only three beers on tap: an American ale, a brown, and an IPA. The IPA was OK. The brown was good. Just like the shirt said, "I'd tap that!"

On the way in, we developed an idea for after dinner. We saw that the neighboring establishment had bocce ball and horseshoes. So, after imbibing, we played bocce ball in the dark. Despite the beer, we were actually surprisingly accurate. Go figure! We would not be that accurate later in the weekend. We would not even be that accurate later that night.

One thing I did not yet mention is that one of the things I appreciate about my wife and friends is that we immediately adapt our environment to us. We do not let the environment rule our actions, but exact our wills upon it. By way of demonstration, when the Brad Brigade showed up, they immediately gutted the refrigerator to store two kegs of homebrew.

Another thing I have not yet mentioned is that many of my friends are home brewers.

We rounded out the evening by putting a dent in the homebrew wheat and oatmeal stouts created by the master brewer Brad, and played a goofy game called Smart Ass. Again, Forrest proved his mastery of the trivial, and proceeded to destroy us all. I envy the steel trap that is his mind.

Back to Cherry cottage. Sleep. I would need it for the following day, though I still had no iota of an inkling of an idea of what the Girl had in mind, or what her brain was capable of achieving.

The second day began much as the previous afternoon had. We spent the morning baking bread, modifying the wi-fi in the cottage so that we could get online, reading, listening to the old fashioned radio in the cottage, and exploring our surroundings. The afternoon crept up, along with my anxiety at what she had planned. Forrest took the time to revel in his quips. A brief excerpt from our morning:

Greg (directed to the Girl) - "What did you do?"
The Girl - "Nothing."
Forrest - "I just hope you know how to tie a tournikit."

Several exchanges followed with similar templates.

The afternoon. Camel cottage. More cars. Add to the guest list the mom-in-law, the brother-in-law, Karina, Kohnke, Amanda, Ken, Liz, Landon, BJ, Jung, and Tanner. All of these people drove well over 100 miles to join me for my birthday. It's hard for me to contain emotions like that.

We grilled. We could have fed a small country. There were brats, hot dogs, chicken, Howard's secret barbecue sauce, chips, salsa, beer, beer, beer, beer, veggies, dips, people, people, people, sugar packets. The girl warned me that I should not over-indulge at this point, though, so that I could fully enjoy the evening activities. I listened carefully.

Tim didn't, though. He had a bit much to drink, which added to the entertainment when he tried to feel the baby kick. Unfortunately, due to Jessie's constant activity, the baby was not terribly active that day.

Though I mentioned Jung earlier, she did not show up until after most of the grilling had been done. She did, however, bring with her a phenomenal cake! Shaped like the torso of a well-endowed female (Jung told us they were G cups. You know, for 'G'reg), the cake was delicious. And, the coup d'gras, sugar packets nestled in the cleavage of the cake. Many of the people with whom the Girl and I attend trivia (the Girl included) are very well-endowed. When they wear loosely-fitted shirts, I make a game of aiming sugar packets for the shirts basketball-style. The beer prevented me from being terribly good this weekend, though.

Ah, the beer. It turns out that we had more varieties of homebrew for this party than the microbrewery had microbrews. They also tasted better. All-in-all, we had the wheat, the oatmeal stout, a Christmas Ale, and a Blue Moon (Belgian Wheat) clone. We additionally had a microbrew, a peppercorn tripel, from Brewer's Art in Baltimore.

After a wonderful afternoon, it became time for the big event. We all piled into cars, the Girl in the lead, to proceed to our destination. I thought I caught a glimpse of bathing suits on Arjun and Noelle. We started driving toward Camelback mountain. Again, what is there to do in the Poconos in the summer?

That question's answer is, "Go to Camel Beach." Yes, co-located with the ski park is a water park. We pulled into the parking lot, and the strangest thing was going on; everybody was leaving. We all piled up to the gate, and I learned that the Girl had arranged to do something in the park after hours. Holy geez! We got wrist bands and I learned exactly what that something was...

The Girl, in all her glory and brilliance, all her love and care, all her heart, had arranged a weekend for me for my thirtieth birthday. She had achieved a last hurrah before the baby is to arrive. She got as many of our friends as she could to join us in nowhere, PA, to be with me, and to go to Camel Beach.

To go to Camel Beach so that we could partake of their Flowrider, just the twenty of us, for two hours after the park closed.

As I said, I'm married to the most incredible woman on the planet. Suck it to everybody who isn't!

I got to surf for two hours. I got to have one of the best weekends of my life, and I got to watch our friends enjoy the hell out of the Flowrider, surfing and boogey boarding for two full hours, complete with grilled foods, at the park. I got to surf my ass off, big 'ole grin on my face for the entire evening. We got pictures. We got minor injuries and sore muscles. We got better!

The weekend was a symphony, all conducted by my most bestest wife ever, and this was the climax! My wife, the best conductor ever!

When the Flowrider eventually wound down, we departed from the park and returned to Camel cottage. We continued to drink beer and eat food, and we sat around and enjoyed the company of friends and family. Some had to depart that evening, and some stayed. Those who stayed in the cottages planned breakfast the next morning, since we had to check out by eleven AM.

Eventually, the Girl, Forrest, Amanda, and I returned to Cherry cottage, where we proceeded to crash in our beds due to exhaustion. We slept a sound sleep, awoke the next morning, packed, and proceeded back to Camel cottage. We got the others up and going, and learned that Brad and Nicole were up until 5:30 AM kicking the last of the oatmeal stout keg and talking. Surprisingly, they were able to get out of bed, and we were able to depart from the house on time after packing up and eating a tasty breakfast of bagels and cream cheese.

Amanda decided to drive home with Jessie and me, since she had come with Karina and Kohnke. On the way home, the wonderful road signs told us of Stoudt's Brewery. We stopped there, had lunch, and had the single best beer I've ever had. It was a creation from their brewer, and variation on an American ale, but very complex. It was the Stoudt's Reserve, also named Gemütlichkeit Ale. If you find some, buy it immediately!

We eventually wound our way home, dropped Amanda off, and proceeded back to the casa. We unpacked. We watched TV and relaxed for what was left of the weekend.

I love this woman. She's the most incredible person on the planet (not on the plant, as I almost typed). This was one of the best weekends I've ever had in my life. It was all due to her, to how much she loves me and cares for me. It was also due to the best set of friends a person can have. Thanks to everybody who showed up, and to everybody who wanted to be there but couldn't because of the intricacies of life. You all made this one of the most special weekends of my life. I hope that I can be the friend that you deserve, and that I can live up to the kindness you've shown me.

Thank you Bear! I love you so much. You're the greatest woman on Earth!
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More Doctors

It's been another day full of doctor appointments today. One of them was mine, though. I went to get treated today, and while I was there, I showed the medical assistants the previous 3-D sonogram pictures of the baby. They oohed and aahed and then, five to one, predicted that we will be having a boy. So, it was a good visit. The only sad thing is that I was seated next to a thirteen-year-old girl who was going to be in her infusion for six hours; she has lupus.

I drove home, picked up the Girl, and we raced to Annapolis (with a brief stop for coffee for me). I hadn't even had time for lunch. When we arrived, I learned that we arrived half an hour early. It looks like I would have had time for lunch. Oh well. She did the non-stress test, and our baby passed with flying colors... eventually. The little one doesn't like to sit still for any period of time. Could this possibly be my baby, maybe? Any chance? Heh.

After that, we had the sonogram, which was awesome. The baby yet again proved that it is our child. This time, said child took after Jessie by giving me the finger! We're going to have our hands full in September, I think.

After that appointment, we drove home, with a brief stop to Chipotle. On the way there, the car in front of us shielded some road debris, which I drove over full force. The car is two weeks old, and this incident caused one of the most rattling, scary sounds I've ever heard come from the undercarriage of a car. We stopped on the side of the road, I checked the car, and it appears that the damage underneath is only cosmetic; at least I hope it is. Again, fortunately, nothing collided with the car's exterior, and so I don't have major repairs to make two weeks into owning it. Whew! Seriously, though, it sounded as if a force emerged from the center of the earth to drive a hole straight through my car. When stars die, they don't make sounds as awful. The sound was second only to the sounds I made on December 31, 2008.

At least Chipotle was tasty!

31 Weeks

We hit 31 weeks yesterday. It's hard to believe that in (possibly less than) 9 weeks, we'll have a new member in the household. We have sonograms every two weeks, roughly, and they're about to increase in frequency. It's good for me, though, because I have been using these doctor visits to test my sonogram-reading abilities. Whereas we don't want the sonogram techs to tell us the sex of the baby, I want to see if I can figure it out. So far, I haven't really been able to tell. I'm hoping that one day, one of the sonogram techs will let me use the thing. Yeah, you're not the only one who doubts that.

In addition, the Girl has the blinders on. She's very pregnant. She knows she is, but she doesn't believe me when I tell her she has a massive baby bump! Really, you can tell she's pregnant. And if that weren't enough, the baby might come out knowing how to play soccer. At least he/she kicks very well. Sometimes I can see her belly jump.

But no, she doesn't believe she has a baby bump...

(Psst... she does)

A Whole Lot of Happenstuff

Well now, it's time to be more regular in the world of the blog. A lot has happened lately.

First off, I got a baby mobile... with a turbo! I went the route of the Mazdaspeed3. It has four seats and four doors for the baby, and the turbo's for me. It's a joy to drive, and will be a joy to suck my head into the seat after I break it in. No head sucking when the baby's in the car, though. I am, after all, a responsible human being.

We have reached 30 weeks in the pregnancy! And, since we're high risk, we get sonograms every two weeks. And these are 3-D sonograms! It's awesome. We walk out with ever better renderings of our child.

We also don't want to know the sex of our child until it arrives. Some people think we're strange. It's driving the grandparents nuts. But, we like it this way. However, I am taking this opportunity as a challenge to see if I can read sonograms. I don't want anybody to tell me the sex of the child, but I do want to see if I can figure it out from looking at the sonograms. I think, so far, that I've failed. I've also gotten the sonogram techs to teach me about anatomy during the sonograms. It's pretty cool. I'm hoping that they'll let me mess with the sonogram buouy, or whatever it's called, someday. That'd be awesome! Somehow, I don't think it'll happen. One can hope.

OK, Argentina's about to play Germany. Two soccer powerhouses going at it deserves my full attention. Until we meet again...

Once More, With Feeling - 2010 WRX vs. 2010 Mazdaspeed 3

So now I'm 30, and with it brings the satisfaction of being able to answer one of my current great questions; which do I want to drive next, the Mazdaspeed 3 or the Subaru Impreza WRX. Yup, I decided to celebrate the double digit flip by driving them. All three of them. I drove a Mazdaspeed 3, the WRX wagon, which the sales person assured me wasn't a wagon though we all know it really is, and the WRX Premium sedan with the SPT exhaust and short shifter.

So, the Girl and I took a ride over to our friendly neighborhood Mazda dealer and test drove the Mazdaspeed 3. I gotta say, I dig it. Before going, I read the reviews about the Speed 3. They all say that the road noise is too great and the ride is too rough. I was particularly worried about the road noise, but it's remarkably better than all of the reviews led me to believe. The interior is incredible. The technology is fun. The car is FUN to drive. When you step on the gas, you know you stepped on the gas. It GOES!

After returning the car to the dealer and learning how to open the trunk, we checked out what the tech package looks like, and what the push button starter is like, and that's frickin' awesome. I was immediately impressed with it. The speed bump test hurt a little, though. That's the only thing.

From Mazda, we drove down to the Subaru dealer to drive a couple WRXs. The first was the 5-door, bottom of the line WRX. We drove it all over. It felt somewhat sluggish. Despite the fact that I know the car is fast (even faster than the Speed 3), the response just didn't feel like it was there. The turning was a little sluggish to me compared to the Speed 3, and the interior was just bland! The clutch was quite a bit stiffer and harder to work with. All in all, I just wasn't impressed. Not at all. It felt like it took the fun out of driving a fun car. Bummer.

After we got back to the dealer, I still asked to see the WRX Premium with the SPT exhaust. While we were waiting for Subaru dude to get the keys, the Girl asked me what I thought. I asked her to tell me what she was thinking first, and she came back and told me that she could read my mind and that I liked the Speed 3 better. It's true. She can read minds. Stay away from her if you have any dirty little secrets.

Dude returned with the keys, and we got to the WRX Premium. Immediately after he turned it on, I noticed the exhaust. I love the sound of a WRX SPT exhaust. I got in afterward, and felt the clutch, and it was WORLDS better. We took it for a short drive, and it was much more fun. It was also much much louder. The exhaust boosted the cabin noise significantly. I'd consider the WRX Premium if it weren't $29,000, a full $3,000 more than the fully loaded Speed 3. The base version of the Speed 3 is even cheaper! I'm not sure that all-wheel drive and an exhaust can justify $3,000. In fact, I know it can't. Not for that interior. Not for that noise. Not when I can haul ass in a Speed 3.

The Mazdaspeed 3 is the hands-down winner. And, it's also not a car you see everywhere. I dig it. I want one...

Standard Nomenclature for Suckage

I like bad movies. It's just a part of who I am. It's the warm, gooey center that somebody eventually reaches after getting to know me for... 20 minutes, probably. I owe it to that part of myself to help bad movies.

Many bad movies are fun. Many are not. That's the problem. We need a way to classify bad movies to indicate whether they're bad fun, bad like a train wreck from which you can't take your eyes, or so bad you'd rather stab yourself in the eyes with a fork so that you won't have to continue enduring the misery.

With that in mind, I'd like to propose the following classification system for bad movies. This is my SPECTRUM OF BAD:

• Vomitously bad - The movie is so bad and not fun to watch, it will make you vomit. Who is the idiot that thought this was a good idea and actually funded it? You won't be able to watch this movie from the beginning to the end
  
• Staggeringly bad - You might make it all the way through this movie. Sometimes alcohol may help you make it
  
• Fun bad - It didn't aim to be a good movie, and it definitely isn't, but you can still watch it repeatedly because it evokes joy due to its badness
  
• Epic bad - Like fun bad, but so much better. This is one that everybody has to see, despite the fact that it isn't a cinematic masterpiece
  
• Uncanny valley of bad - Too much like a good movie, making the viewer uncomfortable liking the film since it's supposed to be bad.
  

I may amend this at some point, but this is my first stab. Yup, you'll get examples as I watch them. :-)

Next up? Gonna watch Bitch Slap.

It's True!!!

It came up in Modern Family, so it must be true. I've been saying it for years. I have my own anecdotes about it, but I have not had any hard evidence to support my theory. Today, it becomes one of the immutable laws of physics.

The quote, as it happened from Modern Family:

Claire: Haley sweetie, wake up. I need you to teach me how to use the tv.
Haley: Now? Why can't dad teach you?
Claire: Because we're married.

Now it must be true, because a prime time sitcom has recognized it to be so! You may ask now, "But Greg! Why do you know it's true?" The answer? Because I had to get somebody else to teach the Girl to drive a stick, and that's just the latest in the series.

Brew Hacking

For the first time ever (while brewing), we had too much wort. Too much wort!!! That never happens. After filling the 5-gallon bucket up to about 6.5 gallons, we still had some left over. At that point (because it's just not right to waste any beer), we had to sanitize a carboy for the leftover.

However, in going through the supplies, we learned that we were missing a piece of the air lock. It's the little middle piece that prevents the back-flow of water into the fermenting wort. We were in luck, though. Amanda, being the pack rat that she is (;-)), keeps the old test tubes from liquid yeast. She brilliantly realized that the tube fits perfectly in the outer part of the air lock. I brilliantly realized that she has a circular saw. She brilliantly realized that the test tubes are not glass, but plastic.

A couple minutes later, she cut down the tube, and then I sanded the rough edges until they were smooth like glass, and we had a complete air lock!

The process, in less sarcastic detail, is to take the yeast test tube, cut it down to about 1-1.5 inches with a circular saw (carefully). Once that's done, pick off the extra plastic bits and then use some fine-grained sand paper to polish the edges smooth. It should fit in the air lock, and you're good to go (after sanitization, of course).