Starbucks vs. USA

I've had a theory for awhile, now, that I've largely kept to myself. I was reminded of it again today, and so I decided to share. The US is a military powerhouse. It's organized in such a way that it can't really ever be invaded. No country could come to our borders and try to invade us. That country would be summarily crushed. Even China, with its billions of people, would fall to us on home ground. If not for our sheer military power, then for the number of people who own guns and would have no qualms whipping them out to defend their sacred home towns. I, if I owned a gun, would have similarly few qualms.

This brings me to Starbucks. How, you ask? Think about it. They're everywhere. The population density of Starbucks rivals that of many US states. I theorize that Starbucks is the only entity even remotely capable of militarily taking over the US due solely to its ubiquity. Every Starbucks could have a hidden basement in which it trains the Starbucks military. With some synchronization, the Starbucks army could simply come up from their collective basements, draw their weapons, and hold this country at bay. There would be just too many people in the Starbucks army to repel them. We would have no choice but to submit.

So, we need a defense. Let's load up Dunkin Donuts with a similar army. We wouldn't need quite as many people as the Starbucks army would have. We'd need only the right number to supplement our own army. My defensive strategy! Dunkin Donuts/USA vs. Starbucks. Somehow it just feels right, and not just because Dunkin Donuts holds the coffee supremacy crown.