Sometimes It's Fun to Bleed from the Ears

It's official. I'm married to the most wonderful woman ever. I am sorry for all of the unfortunate people who are are not.

I've known for awhile now that my wife was planning a trip as my birthday present. We have this little game we play in which we give obscure hints that could never lead to the other actually determining what we're doing, but serves to add to the intrigue. It's kind of like an appetizer for a meal, only it tends to go on for a month or more. So, she gave me some hints for this particular endeavor:

1. It's about 3.5 hours from our house, to the north
2. It involves things (plural) I like to do
3. It's somewhere we've never been before
4. There will be boobs involved
5. Bring a shirt I don't mind getting dirty
6. There will be beer
   

I really had no idea what to expect...


Friday was the first day. Up until then, I really didn't know what to expect. I mostly suspected it was in Pennsylvania, but the only thing I knew that was 3.5 hours from us was Penn State, which is somewhere we had been before. She packed the car (I wasn't allowed to see what was in the trunk). She plugged our destination into the GPS. We split the driving. All the while, I tried to figure out what we were doing. Needless to say, I failed miserably.

We arrived in the Poconos, which I wasn't expecting at all. After all, what is there to do in the Poconos in the summer? Mountains are made for skiing and snowboarding! And wildlife. And camping. My wrist is currently injured, so I knew this wasn't a climbing expedition. Yeah, how bad would that have made her feel if she had planned a big climbing trip and I'd injured my wrist? Fortunately, the gods would not be reveling in that cruel joke this trip.

In addition, the place we went was where our college roommate, Forrest, lived for awhile. I recognized it, having visited him a few times, and so I asked how far we were from where he lived. Jessie looked it up (hah!) and then said we should call him this weekend. If you're reading this, you probably already know why that's funny.

We turned into a quaint little cabin in the Poconos. The place was awesome! It was also big, which was somewhat suspicious, but she had enough excuses that I wasn't overly inquisitive. We sat for awhile, just enjoying the calm, and then she got a phone call. She started giving directions to somebody. "What did you do?" A few minutes later, Forrest showed up.

I knew something of a grander scale was in order, though I still had no idea just how diabolical the Girl could be. After purchasing some groceries and hanging out for a little while, she suddenly announced that we had to be at our next destination. I knew nothing except that we were going out to dinner, so this took me completely by surprise. We piled into the car, drove around, and ended up on a residential road full of trees on one side and houses on the other. We were looking for an address on this road, which made no sense to me because there were no businesses to be seen. We ended up turning into a gravel driveway, the end of which contained a house.

I began to wonder what was going on. Did she arrange for me to get a tattoo or something at a parlor run from a house? I don't know. I knew that any of my guesses would be wrong when she opened the door and walked in. Forrest and I followed. "What did you do? What is this?" I asked.

"This is the other house I rented!" Yeah, that happened.

About a half hour later, Arjun, Brad, Nicole, and Noelle arrived. About 10 minutes after that, Laura and Jonah showed up. The fog slowly lifted just a little more. I learned that this was the total guest list for Friday night, but that more would be showing up Saturday, and that some who had planned to show up were suddenly unable to on Friday.

We went to dinner at a local microbrewery called Barley Creek Brewery. I discovered that she learned of its existence only because of its proximity to one of the houses on Google Maps. Thank you Google. We proceeded to drink and eat, but we learned immediately that, due to the Poconos mainly being for snow sports, they had only three beers on tap: an American ale, a brown, and an IPA. The IPA was OK. The brown was good. Just like the shirt said, "I'd tap that!"

On the way in, we developed an idea for after dinner. We saw that the neighboring establishment had bocce ball and horseshoes. So, after imbibing, we played bocce ball in the dark. Despite the beer, we were actually surprisingly accurate. Go figure! We would not be that accurate later in the weekend. We would not even be that accurate later that night.

One thing I did not yet mention is that one of the things I appreciate about my wife and friends is that we immediately adapt our environment to us. We do not let the environment rule our actions, but exact our wills upon it. By way of demonstration, when the Brad Brigade showed up, they immediately gutted the refrigerator to store two kegs of homebrew.

Another thing I have not yet mentioned is that many of my friends are home brewers.

We rounded out the evening by putting a dent in the homebrew wheat and oatmeal stouts created by the master brewer Brad, and played a goofy game called Smart Ass. Again, Forrest proved his mastery of the trivial, and proceeded to destroy us all. I envy the steel trap that is his mind.

Back to Cherry cottage. Sleep. I would need it for the following day, though I still had no iota of an inkling of an idea of what the Girl had in mind, or what her brain was capable of achieving.

The second day began much as the previous afternoon had. We spent the morning baking bread, modifying the wi-fi in the cottage so that we could get online, reading, listening to the old fashioned radio in the cottage, and exploring our surroundings. The afternoon crept up, along with my anxiety at what she had planned. Forrest took the time to revel in his quips. A brief excerpt from our morning:

Greg (directed to the Girl) - "What did you do?"
The Girl - "Nothing."
Forrest - "I just hope you know how to tie a tournikit."

Several exchanges followed with similar templates.

The afternoon. Camel cottage. More cars. Add to the guest list the mom-in-law, the brother-in-law, Karina, Kohnke, Amanda, Ken, Liz, Landon, BJ, Jung, and Tanner. All of these people drove well over 100 miles to join me for my birthday. It's hard for me to contain emotions like that.

We grilled. We could have fed a small country. There were brats, hot dogs, chicken, Howard's secret barbecue sauce, chips, salsa, beer, beer, beer, beer, veggies, dips, people, people, people, sugar packets. The girl warned me that I should not over-indulge at this point, though, so that I could fully enjoy the evening activities. I listened carefully.

Tim didn't, though. He had a bit much to drink, which added to the entertainment when he tried to feel the baby kick. Unfortunately, due to Jessie's constant activity, the baby was not terribly active that day.

Though I mentioned Jung earlier, she did not show up until after most of the grilling had been done. She did, however, bring with her a phenomenal cake! Shaped like the torso of a well-endowed female (Jung told us they were G cups. You know, for 'G'reg), the cake was delicious. And, the coup d'gras, sugar packets nestled in the cleavage of the cake. Many of the people with whom the Girl and I attend trivia (the Girl included) are very well-endowed. When they wear loosely-fitted shirts, I make a game of aiming sugar packets for the shirts basketball-style. The beer prevented me from being terribly good this weekend, though.

Ah, the beer. It turns out that we had more varieties of homebrew for this party than the microbrewery had microbrews. They also tasted better. All-in-all, we had the wheat, the oatmeal stout, a Christmas Ale, and a Blue Moon (Belgian Wheat) clone. We additionally had a microbrew, a peppercorn tripel, from Brewer's Art in Baltimore.

After a wonderful afternoon, it became time for the big event. We all piled into cars, the Girl in the lead, to proceed to our destination. I thought I caught a glimpse of bathing suits on Arjun and Noelle. We started driving toward Camelback mountain. Again, what is there to do in the Poconos in the summer?

That question's answer is, "Go to Camel Beach." Yes, co-located with the ski park is a water park. We pulled into the parking lot, and the strangest thing was going on; everybody was leaving. We all piled up to the gate, and I learned that the Girl had arranged to do something in the park after hours. Holy geez! We got wrist bands and I learned exactly what that something was...

The Girl, in all her glory and brilliance, all her love and care, all her heart, had arranged a weekend for me for my thirtieth birthday. She had achieved a last hurrah before the baby is to arrive. She got as many of our friends as she could to join us in nowhere, PA, to be with me, and to go to Camel Beach.

To go to Camel Beach so that we could partake of their Flowrider, just the twenty of us, for two hours after the park closed.

As I said, I'm married to the most incredible woman on the planet. Suck it to everybody who isn't!

I got to surf for two hours. I got to have one of the best weekends of my life, and I got to watch our friends enjoy the hell out of the Flowrider, surfing and boogey boarding for two full hours, complete with grilled foods, at the park. I got to surf my ass off, big 'ole grin on my face for the entire evening. We got pictures. We got minor injuries and sore muscles. We got better!

The weekend was a symphony, all conducted by my most bestest wife ever, and this was the climax! My wife, the best conductor ever!

When the Flowrider eventually wound down, we departed from the park and returned to Camel cottage. We continued to drink beer and eat food, and we sat around and enjoyed the company of friends and family. Some had to depart that evening, and some stayed. Those who stayed in the cottages planned breakfast the next morning, since we had to check out by eleven AM.

Eventually, the Girl, Forrest, Amanda, and I returned to Cherry cottage, where we proceeded to crash in our beds due to exhaustion. We slept a sound sleep, awoke the next morning, packed, and proceeded back to Camel cottage. We got the others up and going, and learned that Brad and Nicole were up until 5:30 AM kicking the last of the oatmeal stout keg and talking. Surprisingly, they were able to get out of bed, and we were able to depart from the house on time after packing up and eating a tasty breakfast of bagels and cream cheese.

Amanda decided to drive home with Jessie and me, since she had come with Karina and Kohnke. On the way home, the wonderful road signs told us of Stoudt's Brewery. We stopped there, had lunch, and had the single best beer I've ever had. It was a creation from their brewer, and variation on an American ale, but very complex. It was the Stoudt's Reserve, also named Gemütlichkeit Ale. If you find some, buy it immediately!

We eventually wound our way home, dropped Amanda off, and proceeded back to the casa. We unpacked. We watched TV and relaxed for what was left of the weekend.

I love this woman. She's the most incredible person on the planet (not on the plant, as I almost typed). This was one of the best weekends I've ever had in my life. It was all due to her, to how much she loves me and cares for me. It was also due to the best set of friends a person can have. Thanks to everybody who showed up, and to everybody who wanted to be there but couldn't because of the intricacies of life. You all made this one of the most special weekends of my life. I hope that I can be the friend that you deserve, and that I can live up to the kindness you've shown me.

Thank you Bear! I love you so much. You're the greatest woman on Earth!
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USGround - Because USAir Doesn't Really Fly Anywhere

It began like any other day. Well, actually, no it didn't; except for the waking up part. That happens everyday. The rest doesn't.

The girl and I jumped into the car, met K, and rolled to el aeropuerto. The girl, however, was taking a different flight, scheduled to arrive in Las Vegas two hours prior to mine. She took off. I waited. I took off. Thus began a long and frustrating day, prior to a nice vacation and class...

When I arrived in Atlanta, I discovered that The girl, who was flying through Charlotte, had not yet gotten on her second flight. Apparently, a piece of the plane broke, and they had to try to fix it. I discovered that her flight was canceled. They had to find a different flight for all of the passengers on that flight. She ended up having to go from Charlotte to Philadelphia.

Meanwhile, my second flight was slated to leave, and so I had to get on the plane. Three hours and forty minutes later, I arrived in Las Vegas. My first act of business was to call The girl and find out what her status was. She (you guessed it!) still in Philadelphia, waiting for a way to get from there to Vegas.

While in Vegas at the airport, and on the way from the airport to the hotel, I learned many things. The USAir flight that was to take her to Las Vegas had to land prior to getting to Philadelphia to get more fuel due to thunderstorms in Philly. After the plane finally arrived, which was later than every estimate thus far.

I got to Caesar's Palace and checked in. I went to our room. She was still in Philadelphia. I arranged to get dinner with another guy there. She was still in Philadelphia. I went back to the room. She was still in Philadelphia.

Somewhere around 8:00 PM or so, they began boarding the plane, and she took off. I lapsed into a coma, being that I was tired from traveling, and awoke at 2:45 AM (Vegas time) to a knock on the door.

Thirteen hours late, we cursed USAir for not handling this fiasco very well, and went to bed.

To shorten the suspense, I spent each of the next four days at the class. The girl and I also wracked up a probably very large texting bill while I was in class. The only thing of note besides that was seeing the geeks line up at the windows to peer down on the Venus pool. Boobs represent the unattainable to many geeks, but not to all. I didn't see any female geeks looking down on the Venus pool. Are you surprised?

We did a lot of fun stuff after class, though. We went to dinner at Serendipity 3. If you're reading this, I recommend that you NEVER GO THERE! The service was so slow that we didn't have a whole lot of time to spend on the rest of the night. The food was OK, but not OK enough to spend an evening in Vegas at a restaurant. Afterward, we went to see the Bellagio fountain show, which is always spectacular, and then returned to the hotel for the evening.

Speaking of water, Las Vegas has these outdoor mist machines that are meant to cool down areas in which patrons eat. They do nothing. The water evaporates before it hits the ground, and so it generally just results in a colossal waste of water and energy, not that the rest of Vegas isn't an energy waste. I mean it's never dark, even at night!

On night two, the girl decided to plan our evening. This was awesome! The only problem is that Vegas was out to defeat us. We went to the Apple store, which is always fun, but always causes me heartache. I'll leave that for another time, though. Afterwards, we went into ghetto hotel land, AKA Imperial Palace, to see the Automobile Collections. First off, it's remarkable what the difference is in classes of people at the Imperial Palace and places like Caesar's, the Bellagio, the Flamingo, or even Treasure Island. Amazing... We learned, however, that the auto display closes at 6:00 PM, and we were late. So, no cars for me; at least not at the Imperial Palace. On the way there (from the Apple Store), I got to see the car of my dreams; the 1969 Shelby Cobra AC 427. I want one. If only we had a garage.

After the auto fiasco, we went to Margaritaville to drown our sorrows in dinner and tasty beverages. It was pretty good, and the atmosphere is fun. That's about it. Nothing exciting happened there other than dinner and people on stilts. Finally that second night, we went to the gardens at the Bellagio. That was fantastic! It's a small garden, but very pretty, and they do all sorts of interesting things with water spouts. On the way back to the hotel, we watched another Bellagio fountain show.

Night three was the big night, though. That night, we went to the Cirque Du Soleil show Mystère. That was a lot of fun, and we had the absolute best seats in the theater; fourth row, just above the stage performers' eye level. People flew. People danced. People performed unbelievable strength and acrobatic feats. There was a weird baby...

After the show, we ate dinner at Kahunaville, which was surprisingly good. I didn't expect much from it, but I had a fantastic Black and Bleu Burger and a tasty margarita. I'd recommend going to Treasure Island and eating there. They also have a bar component in which the bartenders do their own shows, which are pretty spectacular. That's just a good place in general. I recommend it.

After class the final day, we went to the Sin City Brewing Company, which is inside the Flamingo. The beer was OK. The bartenders were nice. The glasses they sell there are cool. Finally, we headed back to the airport to catch the red-eye back home, and that was that. Karina picked us up from the airport, just as she had dropped us off, and we went home and lapsed into comas.

THE END
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Climbing Shoes Review

OK, so I'm a little crazy. I suddenly feel like reviewing my rock climbing shoes. I've had several pairs, and I just received a new pair yesterday. I'm excited about the new pair. In the meantime, see what I have to say about 5.10 Ascent, 5.10 Galileo, La Sportive Miura, Evolv Defy, and 5.10 Spire. Then, when they're good and worn in, I'll review my brand new pair of Montrail Wasabi.

I got into climbing in October 2003. That was when I purchased my fateful first pair. I'm sure most people commit the same feau pax, and so did I. I bought them way too big, thinking they should be sized similar to street shoes; way wrong.

My first pair of shoes was a pair of 5.10 Spires. They're the famous purple lace-ups from 5.10. I recall that this was a good pair to learn on, but they suffered from two problems, one of which was my fault. They were too big, so I could used my toes very well. I didn't realize that was a problem until I got a bit better and actually needed my toes for something. The second problem is that they're shaped a bit more like a street shoe. Instead of having a really well-pointed toe, they curve up a bit in the front to be comfortable to wear. That also limits the use of their toes. I recall the rubber being really good, though, since they lasted me a long time and then I still got to give them to a friend to use even longer.

My second pair was a pair of velcro 5.10 Ascent. They have some little suction cup-looking things on the heels, although a recent redesign has changed that. I got these shoes a bit closer to the right size, but they were still a little big. These shoes have almost everything going for them, and one problem. The problem is that they may have been a little wide for my feet, so my feet moved inside them a little. However, that may have been because they were a little big for me. On the good side, the rubber is really good. They have velcro, so they're quick to get in and out of. They're really comfortable. The rubber is also really sticky, so they smear well. All in all, I was very happy with these shoes.

My third pair have been the best pair; La Sportive Miuras. They have quick laces, so they're easy enough to get in and out of. They have a super pointy toe, so I can get my toes into just about anything. The rubber is really sticky and pretty durable, so the first sole lasted a long time, and they helped me climb really well. They aren't the most comfortable, but I bought them really small, over-compensating for my two previous purchases. I love these shoes. I resoled them, and I still use them, though the resoles now have a hole, so they're not long for the world. They also cost a bit ($130), but you get major quality out of this price. They're technical, durable shoes.

I have really conflicting feelings about my fourth pair; Evolv Defys. Of the shoes, they are the most comfortable and are really fantastic for technical climbing. They have really pointy toes and really sticky rubber. They have velcro, so I can get in and out of them quickly. I love these shoes. The drawback to them, which is pretty significant, is that the rubber just doesn't last very long. The rubber wore out really quickly. I have developed holes in both toes after about 5 months. If I could put La Sportiva rubber on these shoes, they would be the best. I intend to do that when I get them resoled. On the bright side, they're cheap. At $75, they are a really good pair of shoes.

Then we have my current pair; 5.10 Galileos. I think I like these shoes the least of all of my shoes. Initially, the rubber is not sticky at all. Once they're worn in a bit, they're decently sticky. The rubber wears out a bit quickly, too. The bonus is that they're also velcro shoes, so they'll go on and come off quickly. But, they cost way too much for that to be the main selling point. Steer clear of these.

Stay tuned for my review of the Montrail Wasabis...
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Movie Review: Quarantine

Warning: There may be spoilers here.

That said, read on if you are interested, or if maybe you think you want to save $10.

The movie began pretty well. Its premise is that a TV crew consisting of a cameraman and a, let's say, reality TV show hostess, are slated to "shadow" a pair of fire fighters during a night shift. The crew gets a call to head to an apartment building. When they get there, they get locked in along with the tenants of the building and a couple police officers, and none of them knows why.

All hell immediately breaks loose. The little old lady that was the cause of the call to the police and fire department goes ape and tears into a few of the movie's cast. Then, as most zombie movies similarly progress, they get "infected" and the bloodbath continues.

Really, the movie did start out promisingly. Though the camera work was of the style of Blair Witch, which I hated, and Cloverfield, which I didn't see, it had potential. Since the main characters were a professional camera crew, I was practically praying that the camera would not be overly jittery and that I would be able to tell what was going on. For the first half of the movie, that was the case. Then, they decided to stop with the whole clarity thing. I understand the reason; I just don't agree with it. A jittery camera confuses the audience as a way of getting them to identify with the protagonists. I just don't think this trick works, and effectively just irritates the audience. At least that's what it does to me.

The lighting also ended up being schizophrenic. Initially, the movie lighting was fine. The apartment building had lights, and all was well. Then, a little more than halfway into the film, the producer must have run out of money for the electric bill, and the only source of lighting became the camera that acted as the audience's portal to the movie. Then, and I can't IMAGINE why this happened, the camera's light had to go iffy as though the battery was running out, and so there was a bit of a strobe effect through to the end of the movie. When the camera finally gave out, the end of the flick was done in night vision.

I really did think it had promise. It had a script. It had a few likable characters. I feel, though, like they gave up trying to get good scares out of the audience about halfway through the movie, and just gave in to having things jump out at the camera, which they could do because the camera ended up going "wonky." The lighting, the script, and any original scares in the film ended a little more than halfway into the film, though, and the movie degenerated into Blair Witch; no script and no lighting.

Overall, I probably wouldn't recommend shelling out $10 to see it in a theater. If it comes on cable sometime, watch it then. Instead, save your money go to see the new Bond flick, for which we saw a trailer.
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Yahoo Movies

Yahoo put together a list of Yahoo Users Top Rated Sci-Fi Films. I'm going to jump right to the conclusion and state that the user base for this list, though they got some movies on the mark, are special-effect eye-candy whores that that don't have any sense of what a good movie is.

I'll jump right to the list, and my comments.


30. Serenity - I loved Serenity, but I haven't yet decided whether it warrants this. As a standalone movie, it probably doesn't. It needs the character development backing of the show.

29. X-Men 3 - Whatever. I'm not really sure I would qualify superhero movies as sci-fi movies, but I'll ignore that for now. The end of this movie bothered me severely. The bad guys have the most powerful being on the planet and she stands by watching. Bad story writing for my liking.

28. I Am Legend - Yeah, nobody's going to remember this in 10 years. It was good, but not exceptional, and also had some issues. Besides being a giant Ford commercial, how did she get her shiny new Ford vehicle onto Manhattan anyway when they blew up the bridges?

27. Donnie Darko - This is one of the ones they got right

26. X-Men United - Not spectacular. Besides, they also screwed up the entire Nightcrawler character. He's supposed to be swashbuckling and debonnaire. Special effects and weak story.

25. Deja Vu - Didn't see it

24. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Good, but again, not the best.

23. Ghostbusters - Another one they got right. I love it.

22. V for Vendetta - I agree that this movie is spectacular, but it's not sci-fi.

21. The Terminator - This is one of those definitive sci-fi flicks. Why isn't it higher in the list?

20. X-Men - Better than the other two, but DEFINITELY not better than Terminator, Ghostbusters, or (movie for movie) V for Vendetta. It's not one of the best sci-fi flicks ever.

19. Predator - Another one of the definitive sci-fi flicks. Again, why isn't it higher?

18. Superman - A superhero movie (so not strictly sci-fi in my mind), but a good movie.

17. Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith - Are you kidding? As if it wasn't just a bad movie, Hayden Christianson could be a worse actor than Keanu Reeves, and that's saying something!

16. Alien - One of the trio with Predator and Terminator. This just screams well-done, fantastic sci-fi

15. Spider-Man - Better than Alien, Predator, Terminator, and Ghostbusters!?!?! No. Everybody who voted this movie higher than those needs a movie education.

14. Jurassic Park - Again, not better than others I've mentioned, but I could see this belonging on the list.

13. Terminator 2 - Fantastic, but not as good as the original. Many original ideas in it, though.

12. The Incredibles - A great movie, but really! It doesn't belong on a sci-fi list at all.

11. Close Encounters of the Third Kind - I didn't like it, but I can appreciate it.

10. The Day the Earth Stood Still - Finally, now you're talking! Flying saucers definitely belong on this list! If the new one coming out ever beats this, though, I'll die inside.

9. E.T. - Yup, this is one of those that belongs here.

8. The Matrix - I suspected this would be here. Keanu Reeves can't act, though, and there are a bunch of movies on this list better than the Matrix.

7. Back to the Future - It should never be this high on this list. It probably shouldn't even be here. It's good, but it's not the best.

6. Aliens - Cinematically, Alien is better. But for entertainment value, Aliens is better. They're about equal for different reasons.

5. Return of the Jedi - It belongs on the list. All three of the original Star Wars flicks probably do.

4. Empire Strikes Back - Look, another one!

3. Transformers - NFW. Nothing Michael Bay belongs on this list. EVER!

2. Star Wars - Yup, it belongs

1. Iron Man - You have got to be kidding me! This! The best sci-fi movie of all time? Shoot me now.

So what'd they miss? A whole bunch of stuff. Most of the classic sci-fi stuff (1950s and 60s), like the original War of the Worlds, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, the Time Machine, The Thing from Another Planet, and Forbidden Planet. They also missed some newer classics like Blade Runner, The Thing, Planet of the Apes. And then, of course, how could you miss one of the most important science fiction films ever; Godzilla!

Now, I know people will disagree with ever last (thanks K), but how could you put a comic book movie at the top of a sci-fi list? And how can you just ignore the origins of good science fiction? I'm disappointed in the users that got their movies onto this list. I'm happy with some of the people commenting, though.
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A Whole Lotta Somethin'

Amazingly, not a whole lot goes on for awhile, and then the cosmos just piles it on. Well, consider it piled. All sorts of wonders have happened recently...

The girl has finally been introduced to the mechanical wonder that is the manual transmission. Yesterday, Sunday, was pretty close to perfect. I started learning Objective C in the morning, we got lunch with Ken and Amanda at Panera, and then Amanda started teaching said girl about driving a stick. The deal was that I wasn't allowed to be there, and I wasn't. Ken and I sat in Panera, pondering how we might be able to play Battleship between both of our laptops. Yes, Battleship. Having to laptops across from one another is the perfect environment for doing that, don't you think? "You sank my battleship! And my laptop doesn't respond well to water, damnit!"

So, the girl drove. She stalled. She jerked around a bit. But she's still alive, my car is in one piece, and she made it successfully from Ames to Ollie's, and parked very nicely on an end spot, for a grand total distance of roughly 1000 feet. I'm proud of her. More driving to come :-)

Then, today happened. I'm going to gloss over most of the details of today because it sucked. You don't need to hear me whine about crap that really, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't mean much of anything. So, we'll skip to the only humorous part, which happened post-frustration. A woman in my new office is having a baby. She's concerned because she doesn't know what to name him. The corollary to this story is that I work with a bunch of geek-type people. So, we quickly degraded to providing her ways to name her baby. I eventually came to seeding a random number generator with the due date, and then reducing the output to printable ascii. We then proceeded to do this. Would you like to name your child Biq? She didn't either. But I contend that the theory is sound...

Oh, there's one more thing. The Girl's new occupation should definitely be extension cord assassin. Some assassins use knives. Some use rifles or pistols. And apparently, some use lawnmowers. She has bladed yet another extension cord to death. I'm sure more cords will fall under the blade before she's finished mowing lawns.
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Cellular Hell

I'm compelled to wax cellular due to a huge number of independently occurring but related events. It all began with a rain storm...

It was a decent day to begin with. We were at a climbing class at Great Falls, VA. Then, following lunch, the skies opened and spilled the heavens to the grounds, and my cell phone (which was protected, or so I thought, in my bag), bit the mud. I'd say it bit the dust, but it rained so much that I think no dust was left anywhere. So, my phone got a little wet during this monsoon and died a slow and painful death. Weak! It wasn't even that wet. It is a Samsung A737. Rather, it was; now it's just a useless plastic shell not suitable for anything other than reminding me to check myself into a mental institution if I purchase Samsung electronics anytime in the even remotely near future. I am now stuck using my Motorola RAZR, which is no treat either. Remember, I bought a new cell phone, which means I wanted one so badly that I was willing to commit two more years of my life to AT&T to get one. It's like leasing your soul to the devil, really. Argh...

Then, a few months later, just to stick it to me where it hurts, the 3G iPhone emerges. It's no secret that I have wanted an iPhone. Of course, a couple months after I purchase the crap-tastic Samsung A737, Apple finally decides to both release this iPhone and subsidize its cost. Damn. They would. So now I learn that with my new 2-year AT&T contract, I could have myself a brand-spanking new iPhone. I couldn't be lucky enough to have all this timing work out. Surely Apple wouldn't subsidize the cost when they didn't for the first iPhone. Yeah, right. Oh, and along with the new iPhone also comes the extra ethical question of whether you'll spend $30 US instead of $20 US for the unlimited data plan. Pretty much the last thing I want to do is give more money to a company that doesn't provide me an adequate service. Granted, part of this blame goes to my cell phone (the RAZR) since it's antenna is MISERABLE, but AT&T has had its share of jabs to my ribs, as well as to the girl's and my wallets. I had just reached the point where I would break down and pay $20/month for the iPhone. Now I don't know whether $30 is worth it. I really don't like service contracts. Plus, it's a phone! I mean, how much of The Tubes is really conveniently available on a mobile platform? More everyday, probably, but is it enough to warrant $30/month? My sources says "Outlook not so good," and I (for once!) am not talking about a Microsoft product.

A glimpse of hope then emerged with Android. That's right! Google is coming out with a cell phone software platform. It's Linux-based, and some of it is even Open Source Software. That's awesome. This could be intriguing. I wonder how this platform will do on battery consumption. It's also interesting because it looks like Nokia might try to fight back by buying and open sourcing parts of the Symbian OS, another major cell phone operating system. Let the mobile OS wars begin! I'll be happy to provide my input if somebody wants to provide me the hardware. No problem at all...

Finally, as a a motivator for my diatribe, this article on Forbes on hating your cell phone company. It starts off by saying (I'm loosely paraphrasing) that most people hate their phone companies, particularly in the customer service department. The part that excites me about this article, though, is the following quote:

Another big step: Most operators have plans to open up their networks by the end of the year to a plethora of phone manufacturers, allowing customers to keep their mobile device even if they switch carriers. So you might be able to use that cool, new phone you got at a discount for signing a service contract with T-Mobile, for instance, on AT&T's network.

That's a big thing, because I've been pissed in the past that I couldn't purchase phones that meet my needs because they were locked to another provider, and purchasing one that was unlocked would cost me our house or first born. Rumplestiltskin has got to be behind at least one cell phone company.

So what does this all mean in the long run? It means that (and this is all speculative) the cell phone companies may open up a bit and that there may be a major mobile OS-war that I hope will lead to good, competitive, inspired ideas for cell phones. It means I'm going to have to buy another cell phone before any of this happens. It hopefully means that more of said Tubes could be made available for mobile platforms, and that it may be fun to own a capable phone. Will it be the best of times for mobile providers and companies? Is the endless griping from the consumers they claim to care about actually making them see that they don't care? I hope so.
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Electronic Salvation

Eventful day today. Let me begin by saying, "Happy anniversary Karina and Kohnke." We were fortunate enough to spend some of today with them. We four went kayaking at Quiet Waters park. And so the fun begins...

My day began at 4:00 AM. I woke up for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Yesterday I put the Yakima rack on my car, and the plan this morning was to finish it off with the easy-to-mount kayak saddles. Seven out of eight bolts later, it becomes apparent that I'm one bolt short of a full rack, so to speak. So, 7:30 AM trip to ACE Hardware, to return shortly thereafter with the piece. Poof! Kayak rack is up and on. I'm so lucky that people who like to work on their homes wake up early.

Part two of the exciting adventure began at 9:00 AM. My initial estimate was that it would take about a twenty minutes to get the kayaks onto the car. Sure it would... Forty minutes later, the Kohnkes get a call from us, which was to be the first of many. Then, since our original plan was to stop briefly to get Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, we did so because we hadn't eaten and our combined stomachs would have triggered a good-sized earthquake. Of course, the line at DD could have wrapped a few times around the equator with room to spare for a return trip to the moon. Second phone conversation with Kohnkes ensues, informing them that we'll be a half hour late.

Trip to Annapolis continues (finally) with a tasty breakfast, eaten quickly in the car. Kayaks remain securely fastened to the RSX. All is looking good. "How do we get there?" Of course, neither of us knows. But we think we do, which is all that's important in the grand scheme of things. One wrong turn and several miles down, enter call number three to Kohnkes. After she returns our call, we're on the right track, ETA 45 minutes late.

We show up to Quiet Waters, find the parking area, and we're now 50 minutes late, which is something that my body and brain like to physically remind me of with every ounce of my scarred psyche. After pulling down the kayaks and walking the 30 more miles to the water, we're on the water in the kayaks. Finally. My body is screaming at this point from all the expended energy and muscular distress, and we barely started.

Now do most of that in reverse (except make it 85 degrees instead of 70), get us home , and give me about enough time to eat lunch, and then off to climbing. Yup, climbing.

Every part of me wishes fiercely that I wouldn't move right now. So I'm not. Fortunately, the fingers still work.

And now the punchline... The girl has wanted a GPS unit for awhile now, and Stealdeals had a link to a Garmin GPS for a good discount, so we immediately decided to make it a part of our family. Electronic Salvation is on the way to our front door...
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El Crucero

The idea for this post began with a simple phrase; "half-hazardly speaking Spanish." Guess who said it. If you said the girl, then you guessed correctly. Good for you. You get a cookie. There are probably plenty left on the cruise ship. I decided when I heard this that I needed to keep track of the important events of our honeymoon cruise. So I did. And here is the remarkably long stream of consciousness that began on a tired Saturday evening...

It all began at 0315 (you might want to go get a beverage and some comfortable clothes). We woke up. It was early. We went over to Amanda's since she so kindly agreed to wake up at that ungodly hour and take our sorry butts to the airport. And she did. We made it to the airport, to the terminal, to the plane, to Miami, and on the ship with relatively little in the way of events, except for the entire bag of Reece's Pieces and M&Ms that we ate throughout the day. This, as we were to discover, was just the beginning of a long string of days that began with us eating way to much unhealthy food, continued with eating more unhealthy food, and ending with an unhealthy dinner followed by postre (dessert). Now, you may be asking yourselves (or me), "why is there Spanish intermingled in this post?" Consider this an intriguing question that will fuel your desire to read on.

We made it onto the ship. We could eventually check into our stateroom, which was very nice and had a balcony that we spent a deal of time on. We discovered that day that the ship was amazing. It had a rock climbing wall, a wonderfully funky thing called a Flowrider, an ice skating rink (yeah, ice), a basketball court, miniature golf, many bars and restaurants, a Ben and Jerry's, a pizza place, a coffee place, more pools than you could shake a bikini at, a Johnny Rockets, an Italian Restaurant, a Steak House, a casino, and a bunch more that we probably didn't even get to see. Some of these will play prominent parts of our wonderful honeymoon. But, onto the fun. On that fateful check-in day, I did get to climb on the rock wall. They actually had some good climbs, too. The staff working on that deck (deck 13, the sports deck) were all unbelievably nice, friendly people. An inordinate number of them were from South Africa, too. In fact, a statistically significant portion of the people I ran into that worked on the ship were from South Africa. Couldn't say why, though.

Onward to dinner. This requires its own separate explanation, as it is a motivating factor for one of the major motifs of our honeymoon. Upon boarding the ship, it is immediately clear that a very large (metric) number of people speak Spanish as a first (and sometimes only) language. Prior to dinner, I stated in a humorous manner, "What do you want to bet we get put at a table with people who speak only Spanish?" Sure enough, our dinner mates were Cristina (the mom), and Anna (the daughter). I was apparently half correct, since Cristina spoke primarily Spanish with a sprinkling of English. Anna spoke both Spanish and English. It became apparent in the ensuing days that I was fortunate to have had Senor Black for Spanish in high school. You heard right, high school. As in more than 10 years ago high school. As in, "has had one summer of Spanish practice since high school" high school. Knowing that dinner would have been horrible if none of us spoke to one another, I broke the ice. The ice gave way to nightly language lessons, as well as discussions of translating between Spanish and English, the subtleties of Mexico Spanish versus Spain Spanish, and why learning English as a second language is enough to make one want to kill Webster and all of his dastardly cohorts who provided any input to the English language. We also discussed the final couple that should have occupied the empty spaces at our table. It got to the point that we thought the might be Chinese and jet-lagged. It was a fun dinner. I had had a glass of wine, too. From this point on, the missing couple was known as "Los Chinos," even though we discovered on the first formal night that they were from Delaware and New Jersey, and neither had a speck of Asian blood.

On another interesting note, Anna is a communications major with a specialty in TV. When the girl learned this, she jokingly said, "So you're going to go work for Telemundo when you graduate?" Anna replied that she wants to work for MTV. We proceeded to make fun of her lightly for this for the rest of the trip.

Later, when our eyelids were collapsing in upon themselves due to having awoken (despertado) at 0315, Jessie busts out the wonderful "half-hazardly speaking Spanish." This may have been the second night, though. Remember, every night is a late night on a cruise ship.

The following day, day 2, was a day at sea. Day 2 becomes labeled "the day Greg discovered the Flowrider." It's one of the days I realize that I'm a lucky guy for having married a woman who likes it when her man shows off for her, or does something that looks frightfully painful and makes her laugh. Both of these end up being true statements. The Flowrider session of choice was stand-up surfing on something about the size of a skateboard deck. This masterfully elegant pressurized water cannon provides for loads of interesting tricks as well as melodramatic losses of balance resulting in the unified cringing of the audience and cries of "ooh" in stereo from these same onlookers.

Day 2 held many other things in store as well. It was the day we found the ice skating rink (deck 3). It was also the first formal dinner evening. I like it when the girl gets to dress up. She always looks so pretty. It was also the day that I became known as "the guy who says peachy" to our stateroom attendant. Every day from then on, he set me up with, "Everything is?" to which I was required to answer "peachy" before we could continue on with our day. Also, day 2, I discovered that we had the good fortune of being on the ship during Euro 2008 (soccer), and that it was almost always on when we wanted to return to our stateroom for some R&R.

On day 3, we looked around the ship some more. I am certain in all of this looking that we never found all pieces of the ship. At one point, though, we wandered into a part of the ship that we most certainly shouldn't have been. You can tell immediately when you're in the wrong place when you see no decorations anywhere. The floors and walls are plain, undecorated, neutrally-colored surfaces with no features whatsoever. Then you get quizzical looks from the staff who is supposed to be there. Then said staff member realizes that nobody else is going to police the guests out of the area. The fortunate step was in passing through a door that had no "Crew Only" markings. In most cases, the doors are labeled that way if guests can't enter. This particular door was not.

Later on day 3, we arrived in San Juan. We saw Fort San Cristobel and the Bacardi factory. The fort was very nice, and very picturesque, and it's always fun to see random iguanas meandering about. We don't get a lot of that in Maryland. Meaning absolutely zero. At Bacardi, we got free drinks. Jessie got two, as did I. Which means literally that Jessie got one and I got three. The rest of the tour of Bacardi was surprisingly mellow. A fun fact about the tour was that we started in a pavilion, at which point we were shuttled to a tram car. The tram car never left site of the pavilion in its various wanderings to other buildings during the tour. What's the point, you ask? Well, so did we. The answer, I am afraid, is not forthcoming. The tour was fun, though. Bacardi probably has the best corporate logo in the world.

Day 4; SCUBA day. We spent day 4 (from about breakfast to 1700) in Philipsburg, St. Maarten. We got to go SCUBA diving, and had a wonderul French guide named Ann Charlotte. She was nice. I also discovered that sea urchins can hurt, and they don't need much force to do so. The girl discovered that sunken boats can also hurt, and leave fun little red scratches on legs that hit them. She says the boat attacked her. I never saw it move. :-)

Following SCUBA, we walked around Philipsburg. Five people offered to braid my hair, which would have been an interesting feat had I let them try it due to the tangled mess that resulted from SCUBA. I also got one offer for drugs. It must be the hair. I look like a hippie. What's an 8-ball, anyway? In any case, I obviously didn't accept.

Enter day 5, a day at sea. I spent the morning on Flowrider. Awesome device. I want one in my back yard. I also entered a bouldering competition, and took the gold. I had only my self as a competitor, though, as nobody else entered. Que lastima! Day 5 was also the second formal night. The girl and I got dressed up again. More formal pictures on the ship. Fantastico! Day 5, I believe, was also the day we learned from Tramaine, our head mesera (server), about great white shark attacks off the coast of South Africa. She says they grow to 15 meters. We never convinced her to come with us the next day to Labadee. She doesn't like the water. Can you guess why?

Day 6, Labadee, Haiti. This gem of a location is owned by Royal Caribbean. It's fenced off from the rest of Haiti. It looks like a little beach resort. It's picturesque. The girl and I got to go on a zipline, which was the longest over-water zipline in the world. I got a video of that ride. Of course, I also had to be curious about the stopping mechanism used by the zipline.

See, the rider is harnessed to a contraption that contains two pulleys in it. The wheels of the pulleys ride a thick steel cable. When the rider reaches the end, the contraption hits a heavy block to bleed off speed. If it can't stop the rider in a short enough distance, death is immediate. That's why nobody ever complains about a bad ride! :-) Just kidding. The block then hits a very long spring, which compresses and stops the block, the contraption, and the rider.

Later on day 6, we went snorkeling. It was pretty, but very crowded in the area. We got lots of underwater pictures, I hope. We shall see. There may be a lot of pictures of water damaged 35 mm film. The line to get off the island was also ridiculous. It took quite a while. I'd rather not think about that part. Oh, we also saw Tortuga, of Pirates of the Caribbean fame.

Back aboard, I was (of course) back on Flowrider. Day 6 (or maybe it was 5) becomes the day I'm known to little kids as, "the guy who's good at surfing." Told to me on the elevator.

Day 7 began, as they all did, on the Flowrider Day 7 also contained the speed climbing competition. It was enjoyable, but also reinforced my belief that I am not a speed climber. We returned way too late to our staterooms, packed, and got ready to get off the ship the next day.

And now for something completely different...

This cruise requires some analysis. We had more fun on it than on our first cruise, but we couldn't tell why. So, the girl and I thought about it a while. First off, the ship itself. Fantastic! Amazingly large. The sports deck (deck 13) was a remarkable thing for people of my kind. I surfed. I climbed. We played mini golf. It was great. Also, deck 5 contained the shops, Ben and Jerry's, the pizza place, the coffee place, and the wine bar. It looked like a neat little street contained within a ship. Deck 3 contained the ice skating rink. Also fun for us.

Second, the food. The food was not the highest quality. Carnival had better food. Also, the food for the buffets was the same ever day, and they had "staple" dishes at dinner every day. So, there was a chicken, beef, and fish option at dinner every day, and they never changed. Each day they had specialty dishes, though. I was not, however, chomping at the bit to kidnap and torture staff members or chefs for the recipes.

Third, the open decks. The pool area could be crowded, but there were many places to sit and relax, and the options for these places varied greatly. There was every combination of shady, not shady, loud, and not loud you could imagine. So, you can always find a place to be that's right for you if you look hard enough.

Fourth, the shows. These varied greatly. The guest entertainers were very good. It makes sense, though, doesn't it? That's what they do for a living. The Royal Caribbean-produced shows were VERY mixed. The ice show was great. The musical production really blew. I mean, can lyrics really get anymore dull? The cruise review show was very good. The acrobat show was pretty good, and ended up being like a toned down version of Cirque du Soleil.

Fifth, the money. It doesn't really make sense, sometimes, thinking about what you have to pay for on a ship. It makes sense that you'd have to pay for alcohol and soda. It makes sense that all of the shows are free. It was nice that all of the sports deck was free. It's nice that the gym was free. It does not make sense that a couples' massage costs over $250. It does not make sense that you have to pay $3.95 to enter Johnny Rockets, but can then eat all the food you want, but then have to pay for milkshakes. The money thing was hit or miss, and could stand to be a little more consistent.

Tipping at the end was also a little less painful on Carnival than Royal Caribbean. Ouch...

Oh, and the staff. The Royal Caribbean staff was superior to the Carnival staff. I got to know many of them, and they were all very nice.

Overall, given the exact same ship, the Carnival cruise would probably be better. This Royal Caribbean cruise had more interesting activities for us, though. Perhaps we'll have to look at Carnival again sometime when they build a ship with a sports deck to compete with Royal Caribbean. Perhaps they already have one now, but we just don't know it.

Anyway, I hope you're still awake, or that you've had your several glasses of wine and are nice and relaxed by now. Hasta luego!
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